What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
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FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.