I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
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[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?