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Weirdly Wednesday.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.