[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
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sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I’m not lazy
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.