I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
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Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”