Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
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Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
mood
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Milk Cube
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean