They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
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The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.