My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
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who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
*serious situation*
My brain:
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”