Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
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Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
nobody’s gonna understand
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now