we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
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[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.