@EJGomez: satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are...are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
@EJGomez: we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
@EJGomez: when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say"thank god"
@EJGomez: me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
@EJGomez: judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
@EJGomez: "We can't hire you. We're trying to get more diverse"
ME: But I'm Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
@EJGomez: God: u can ask me 1 question
me: ok if the singular of geese is goose is the singular of sheep a shoop
devil: welcome to hell
@EJGomez: james[jesus' brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on