When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
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“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?