Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
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Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!