Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
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I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”