if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
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Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning