Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
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[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.