Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
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So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
stand with me against insufficient seating
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME