me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
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[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
We all have our pet causes.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?