Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of EndhooS's best tweets

@EndhooS : "DADDY THERE'S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM" [sound of me nailing door shut] Wife "WTF are you doing?" Its too late for her now she's as good as dead

@EndhooS: Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.

@EndhooS: Me: sorry I can't make it to your party tonight but I'm kinda popular & I can't jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

@EndhooS: Apparently if you perm a yak's hair and spin it around a bunch of times it's good for your libido...

...It's a well known afro dizzy yak

@EndhooS: Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

@EndhooS: GF: I'm leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You're too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

@EndhooS: Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE'S BEEN DECAPI- ...wait

911: *sigh* did he have -

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

@EndhooS: Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]

Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body

@EndhooS: [See's a guy playing bagpipes]
Son: Why's that man wearing a skirt?
Me: I think the real question is why is he sucking that musical octopus?

@EndhooS: Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god...
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN'T SWIM