@EndhooS: "Hey dad"
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
"Just called to say hi"
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
"If I get taken, yes I know"
@EndhooS: Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive "I wouldn't touch 'em if I was a poacher" said 1 massive grey scientist
@EndhooS: Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He's the one you want, kill him...
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
@EndhooS: Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE'RE NOT READY YET
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
@EndhooS: Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it's dead.
@EndhooS: wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
friend: aww what's her name?
[at same time]
@EndhooS: Kid 1: Why'd u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you're good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
@EndhooS: [Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?
Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…