Funny Tweeter

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Page of EndhooS's best tweets

@EndhooS : [Back at her place] Date: talk dirty to me Me: uhh...dust is basically just flakes of dead skin Date: Eww, wtf? Me: I mean... uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

@EndhooS: Morpheus: You're The One Neo
Neo: You're sure?
M: I've known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that's not what I meant bro..

@EndhooS: Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY...wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

@EndhooS: Me: there you go babeā€¦ [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn't get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

@EndhooS: "DADDY THERE'S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM"
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife "WTF are you doing?"
Its too late for her now she's as good as dead

@EndhooS: Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.

@EndhooS: Me: sorry I can't make it to your party tonight but I'm kinda popular & I can't jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

@EndhooS: Apparently if you perm a yak's hair and spin it around a bunch of times it's good for your libido...

...It's a well known afro dizzy yak

@EndhooS: Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

@EndhooS: GF: I'm leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You're too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT