Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you're good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
@EndhooS: [Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?
Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
@EndhooS: Noah's wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah's Wife: but.. we're married?
Noah: I'm sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah's mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
@EndhooS: Fun prank - this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
@EndhooS: [Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh...dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean... uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
@EndhooS: Morpheus: You're The One Neo
Neo: You're sure?
M: I've known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that's not what I meant bro..
@EndhooS: Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY...wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
@EndhooS: Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn't get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
@EndhooS: "DADDY THERE'S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM"
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife "WTF are you doing?"
Its too late for her now she's as good as dead