@EndhooS: Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it's dead.
@EndhooS: wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
friend: aww what's her name?
[at same time]
@EndhooS: Kid 1: Why'd u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you're good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
@EndhooS: [Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?
Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
@EndhooS: Noah's wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah's Wife: but.. we're married?
Noah: I'm sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah's mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
@EndhooS: Fun prank - this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
@EndhooS: [Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh...dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean... uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
@EndhooS: Morpheus: You're The One Neo
Neo: You're sure?
M: I've known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that's not what I meant bro..