Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of EndhooS's best tweets

@EndhooS : "Hey dad" Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U- "Just called to say hi" Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if- "If I get taken, yes I know"

@EndhooS: Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive "I wouldn't touch 'em if I was a poacher" said 1 massive grey scientist

@EndhooS: Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He's the one you want, kill him...

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct

@EndhooS: Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE'RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

@EndhooS: Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it's dead.

@EndhooS: wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what's her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

@EndhooS: Kid 1: Why'd u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

@EndhooS: [Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you're good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons

@EndhooS: [Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in onceā€¦

@EndhooS: Noah's wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah's Wife: but.. we're married?
Noah: I'm sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah's mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way