I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
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Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.