I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
You Might Also Like
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Oh my God.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”