If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
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Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors