i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
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[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”