Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
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you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.