Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
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Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom