Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
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Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge