Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
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Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.