I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
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I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here