Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
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I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
my proudest tweet
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers