@FatherWithTwins: If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there's a 150% chance they'll hit me in the face with it.
@FatherWithTwins: Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn't get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
@FatherWithTwins: My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn't lose it.
@FatherWithTwins: My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we'll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
@FatherWithTwins: My 3yo just corrected my math. When he gets out of timeout, he's my new accountant
@FatherWithTwins: Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you - from your parents' perspective.
@FatherWithTwins: I'm so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
@FatherWithTwins: Remember: whatever fun game you invent for your kids, you're going to have to play it 10,000 times
@FatherWithTwins: "Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That's all, so you don't need to look."
- my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious