Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of FatherWithTwins's best tweets

@FatherWithTwins : Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!! Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

@FatherWithTwins: People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”

@FatherWithTwins: I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

@FatherWithTwins: 8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you're carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

@FatherWithTwins: 8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

@FatherWithTwins: My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What's a zombie's favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I've never been more proud.

@FatherWithTwins: You don't know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

@FatherWithTwins: WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you'll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

@FatherWithTwins: Marriage is your wife:
- Saying you are "the smartest person she knows"
- But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

@FatherWithTwins: *overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then