Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of FatherWithTwins's best tweets

@FatherWithTwins : WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you'll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

@FatherWithTwins: Marriage is your wife:
- Saying you are "the smartest person she knows"
- But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

@FatherWithTwins: *overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then

@FatherWithTwins: Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

@FatherWithTwins: 8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me: *pours drink* Let's do it

@FatherWithTwins: *kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

@FatherWithTwins: 4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don't like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy

@FatherWithTwins: Me: *yells something
Wife: I can't hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

@FatherWithTwins: 7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time

@FatherWithTwins: 7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said "I love YouTube"