Funny Tweeter

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Page of FatherWithTwins's best tweets

@FatherWithTwins : My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M's back to me. This guy's going places.

@FatherWithTwins: Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I'm hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

@FatherWithTwins: My 5yo can't remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we'd go to the water park on Saturday

@FatherWithTwins: My son's superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs

@FatherWithTwins: My 6yo wouldn't eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I...I just...I'm gonna need a min here.

@FatherWithTwins: By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it'll be time to start applying to colleges.

@FatherWithTwins: I forgot my phone...
2005: I don't need to be that accessible
2010: Let's make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE

@FatherWithTwins: If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there's a 150% chance they'll hit me in the face with it.

@FatherWithTwins: Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn't get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

@FatherWithTwins: My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn't lose it.