Funny Tweeter

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Page of FatherWithTwins's best tweets

@FatherWithTwins : I forgot my phone... 2005: I don't need to be that accessible 2010: Let's make this a short trip 2015: OH MY GOD, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE

@FatherWithTwins: If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there's a 150% chance they'll hit me in the face with it.

@FatherWithTwins: Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn't get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

@FatherWithTwins: My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn't lose it.

@FatherWithTwins: My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we'll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

@FatherWithTwins: My 3yo just corrected my math. When he gets out of timeout, he's my new accountant

@FatherWithTwins: Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you - from your parents' perspective.

@FatherWithTwins: I'm so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

@FatherWithTwins: Remember: whatever fun game you invent for your kids, you're going to have to play it 10,000 times

@FatherWithTwins: "Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That's all, so you don't need to look."

- my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious