@FattMernandez: Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It's the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
@FattMernandez: A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he's being vewy vewy quiet.
@FattMernandez: Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
@FattMernandez: When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
@FattMernandez: I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone's just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
@FattMernandez: Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
@FattMernandez: I saw a car with "Wash Me" written on it, so I set it on fire. I'll be damned if I'm going to allow cars to become sentient!
@FattMernandez: [On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
I wasn't done, and a stomach ache.
Couldn't it be the flu?
[If it wasn't cancer]