My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
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*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)