Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of FeelingEuphoric's best tweets

@FeelingEuphoric : ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*

@FeelingEuphoric: "I am a gift to this earth."

[Earth regifts me]

"I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy"

@FeelingEuphoric: [alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I'll be your host

@FeelingEuphoric: NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!

ME (fully aware I'm going to lose): oh thank god

@FeelingEuphoric: *gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper

@FeelingEuphoric: I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. "Hey, can you do me a solid?"

@FeelingEuphoric: [SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

@FeelingEuphoric: *flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here's the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I've never smoked before*

@FeelingEuphoric: HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’