[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
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*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Noah
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces