MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
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I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume