I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
You Might Also Like
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.