cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
You Might Also Like
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Shower sex be like:
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Danger is very dangerous
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑