Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Fickle_Filly's best tweets

@Fickle_Filly : I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

@Fickle_Filly: I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

@Fickle_Filly: Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I'm fine.

*polygraph explodes*

@Fickle_Filly: If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

@Fickle_Filly: "Where have you been all my life?"

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.

@Fickle_Filly: People who use the phrase "Correct me if I'm wrong..." clearly don't know me very well.

@Fickle_Filly: The birds that suddenly appear every time I'm near are circling vultures.

@Fickle_Filly: Ain't no mountain high enough

Ain't no valley low enough

Ain't no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

@Fickle_Filly: Me:
1. Talking cats
2. Real lightsabers
3. Cars that fire missiles

Genie: Put me back in the bottle and give me to someone normal.

@Fickle_Filly: The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.