Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Fickle_Filly's best tweets

@Fickle_Filly : Police: How are you feeling? Me: I'm fine. *polygraph explodes*

@Fickle_Filly: If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

@Fickle_Filly: "Where have you been all my life?"

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.

@Fickle_Filly: People who use the phrase "Correct me if I'm wrong..." clearly don't know me very well.

@Fickle_Filly: The birds that suddenly appear every time I'm near are circling vultures.

@Fickle_Filly: Ain't no mountain high enough

Ain't no valley low enough

Ain't no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

@Fickle_Filly: Me:
1. Talking cats
2. Real lightsabers
3. Cars that fire missiles

Genie: Put me back in the bottle and give me to someone normal.

@Fickle_Filly: The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.

@Fickle_Filly: [first date]

Him: Let's take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

@Fickle_Filly: If I'm carrying a torch for you it's only because I want to set you on fire.