Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
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I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.