Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
thanksgiving in nutshell
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U