Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of FlyJ_'s best tweets

@FlyJ_ : It's the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It's even in the Bible under "Hebrews."

@FlyJ_: I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

@FlyJ_: *sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

@FlyJ_: I told everyone on Facebook what was "on my mind" and now I'm in jail.

Send cake.

@FlyJ_: I still don't understand why my boss didn't like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

@FlyJ_: Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I'm good, but...
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

@FlyJ_: You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she's staying at my house this week.

@FlyJ_: I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.

@FlyJ_: "Drop it like it's hot," is my favorite song about dropping stuff that's hot.

@FlyJ_: My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.