I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
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IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Botany good plants lately?
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Look at this
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get