my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
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genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”