And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
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I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Cashiers are always checking me out
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you