When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
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If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
only 11 steps left
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.