it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
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At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Mouse
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized