@Fred_Delicious: *cop pulls me over*
"blow into this please sir"
"whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?"
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
@Fred_Delicious: What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
@Fred_Delicious: [Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
"Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem"
[2 weeks later]
"I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don't have to see them"
@Fred_Delicious: "Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for..."
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
@Fred_Delicious: [arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan - "WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE... WE DON'T HAVE LASAGNA"
Me - "um...ok?"
[Satan checks list]
"Is your name Garfield?"
"Huh. List says Garfield"
@Fred_Delicious: Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
- Has six legs
- Fewer people want to pet it
- Responds to popular scorpion names like 'Maurice' or 'Steve'
- Has a tail made of ouch
@Fred_Delicious: Wife - "I'm leaving you..."
Me - "noooooo..."
Wife - "...a hotdog in my will"
Me - "...oooyeeahhhhhh"
@Fred_Delicious: Girlfriend - "ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE'RE HAVING SEX???"
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] "...no"