@Fred_Delicious: [arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan - "WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE... WE DON'T HAVE LASAGNA"
Me - "um...ok?"
[Satan checks list]
"Is your name Garfield?"
"Huh. List says Garfield"
@Fred_Delicious: Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
- Has six legs
- Fewer people want to pet it
- Responds to popular scorpion names like 'Maurice' or 'Steve'
- Has a tail made of ouch
@Fred_Delicious: Wife - "I'm leaving you..."
Me - "noooooo..."
Wife - "...a hotdog in my will"
Me - "...oooyeeahhhhhh"
@Fred_Delicious: Girlfriend - "ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE'RE HAVING SEX???"
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] "...no"
@Fred_Delicious: I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
@Fred_Delicious: Wife - "I can't do this anymore. It's either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group"
Me - "well then I'm afraid I choose the VelociRapStars"
@Fred_Delicious: "daddy, the sun has disappeared!!"
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
"listen here you little shit"
@Fred_Delicious: Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he's shrunk
@Fred_Delicious: Me - "did Benjamin Button's pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?"
Doctor - "no I meant what seems to be the problem with you"