@Fred_Delicious: My wife [sexily] - "why don't we...turn out the light?"
Me, a moth - "no"
@Fred_Delicious: ***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height - 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
@Fred_Delicious: *cop pulls me over*
"blow into this please sir"
"whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?"
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
@Fred_Delicious: What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
@Fred_Delicious: [Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
"Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem"
[2 weeks later]
"I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don't have to see them"
@Fred_Delicious: "Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for..."
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]