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I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too