I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
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Was it something I said?
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Life cycle of cat
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.