Smooooooth
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“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Wednesday
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Life’s too short to have your shit together.