My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
A double negative is a big no-no.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking